Hi, Joakim. Thanks for the interview.

Haha. OK. I mainly just want to talk about basketball. But I’ll follow your lead. Whatever you want to talk about is fine.

So what have you been up to today?

You did, huh? Cool, man. Cool. Nothing like a good moving of the bowels.

Gross. But I guess I’ll take your word for it. Do you plan to keep talking about defecating?

Got it. If I could, I’d like to transition a little bit from feces to basketball. Specifically, the impact of Derrick Rose’s latest injury on your team.

Yeah, I can imagine. The guy just can’t stay healthy. Year after year after year he gets hurt. It’s almost funny at this point.

I know. I said almost. But it could be worse for him, if you think about it. He’s only 26. He’s got tens of millions of dollars in the bank. I mean, he’s not on his death bed. Heck, he himself said earlier this year that he doesn’t want to be sore later in life. There are worse things than making a fortune to not do anything.

Exactly. Have you talked to Derrick? Have you told him anything to encourage him?

I don’t really know how much that is going to help. But, hey, who knows.

Do you think you’ll have to adjust your game at all now with Derrick out of the lineup? Maybe take on more of a scoring role?

Friggin’ Thibs. He’s a hater.

Interesting that you say that. I’ve always wondered: Why do athletes focus so much on what their critics say? Why give them that power?

Right. But why not just ignore them? Life is short. Focus on the positive people in your life. Negativity is such a waste of time.

Alright. Agree to disagree. Anyway … back to your team. Since Derrick has been hurt so often, do you at least feel a little confidence knowing you have experience playing without him?

Damn. That’s pretty deep.

OK. Yeah. Thanks for the tip.

Totally, man. Yes. You have so much wisdom. Tell me more.

Yes. Yes.

Something for everyone to aspire to. Totally.

I will, Joakim! I will!

Well, that took a sudden turn. Let’s go back to the more positive vibes you were sending.

Ummmm … is that … uhh … is that a reference to touching your … you know.

What? I wasn’t looking at yours. You’re the one who brought it up, man.

I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t trying to kill your vibe. You’re the one who, as far as I know, was talking about right-handed self-pleasuring, sinner. That’s your thing. Not mine.

Hey. Hey. Not cool, Joakim. Let’s change the subject, OK? You pick the topic. Any topic.

That is a good question.

Obviously, unlike a cow or goat or any animal with mammary glands, you can’t milk an almond. And, in fact, that’s why almond milk is enjoyed by many people who suffer from lactose intolerance: because it has no lactose, which is a disaccharide sugar only found in the milk of mammals. You can easily make almond milk yourself simply by putting almonds and water in a blender and grinding them up. Then separate the almond pulp with a strainer or cheesecloth, pour a glass and ENJOY!

Do you have any other questions for me?

I don’t know the answer to that one. Sorry.

Back to basketball before we finish up here. Be honest: the Bulls’ title hopes are over without a healthy Derrick Rose, right? Your team just isn’t a legit threat without Rose at 100 percent.

Yeah, yeah, I know. But, come on, Joakim. Can the Bulls really win a title with Kirk Hinrich or Aaron Brooks as your starting point guard?

So true. And thanks for the honesty.

Well, good luck in the playoffs, even though you’re definitely not going to win.

Yep. Unfortunately, Derrick Rose’s knees are among the great teachers of our time.