Allow me to be the first to say farewell to “Johnny Football.”

Perhaps the timing here seems a little odd. After all, Johnny Manziel, quarterback for the Cleveland Browns, is finally getting an honest beginning to his NFL career, making his first start Sunday against the Cincinnati Bengals. All things considered, it’s not a bad spot for Manziel, either.

At 7–6, a playoff spot is still within reach for Cleveland, and one can only imagine the goodwill if the former Heisman winner takes the Browns to the postseason for the first time since 2002. And, on the other side of the coin — well, let’s be honest — Brian Hoyer didn’t exactly set the bar all that high before his exit. In the last four games, Hoyer has thrown just a single touchdown against eight interceptions while completing under 50 percent of his passes. He currently ranks 25th in “Football Outsiders” DVOA metric; behind Andy Dalton, behind Kyle Orton, hell, even behind Kirk Cousins.

In announcing his decision to make a quarterback change, head coach Mike Pettine seemed to suggest that Hoyer had thrown the job away as much as Manziel had taken it, telling reporters that “The move was made because of the lack of performance at the position over the last four games … but they have to understand it was as a unit.”

Low expectations. High potential reward. It’s a good situation to step into. And who knows, maybe Johnny Manziel the football player is going to make it. Maybe he has the talent to stick around, provide some answers at quarterback, and finally put this ridiculous jersey out to pasture. Predicting the success of an NFL quarterback is one of the toughest tasks in sports, and it’s folly to pretend one knows for certain how a collegiate star will take to the professional game. Manziel may, or may not, have a bright future. But “Johnny Football?” The party-hopping, free-wheeling, opponent-taunting, stylin’, profilin’, limousine riding, wheelin’ ‘n dealin’ son of a gun?

He’s already finished.

Don’t believe me? Perhaps you need a refresher on why Manziel is finally getting this start. After all, the situation was just as desperate last Sunday, with Hoyer in a brutal slump and Cleveland needing every win it could get. So why, then, was Manziel still glued to the bench last week, and given the reins this Sunday?

Because he steered clear of the Cavaliers.

Yes, it’s true. Apparently, by taking a pass on watching LeBron and company, Manziel demonstrated to the Browns organization that he was finally ready to start. This comes after it was reported last week that being seen in the stands at the Q caused Pettine to question Johnny’s preparation.

Let’s be honest, extra attention on the off-field activities of Johnny Manziel hardly comes as a surprise. That’s what happens when some of your most iconic moments involve a money phone, an inflatable swan, and a Scooby Doo costume. But the reality is, this scrutiny is not just about Manziel, but also about the NFL, a league that, by its very nature, turns human beings into high-performing football automatons. If you’re holding down a spot on a 53-man roster, your life is expected to consist of playing football, watching film of football, thinking about football, and getting a scientifically precise amount of sleep (while of course, dreaming about Cover-2 defenses).

For quarterbacks, the NFL exists to pound round pegs into square-hole submission. Two seasons ago, Robert Griffin III and Colin Kaepernick each had their own cover of Sports Illustrated, celebrated as the next evolution of the quarterback position. And now? Well, at last check, RGIII is once again a pawn in a power struggle between head coach and owner. But it’s OK, he’s apparently has a career as the world’s saddest punter to fall back on. Oh, and Kaepernick? Let’s check in on our Beats-adorned hero.

Somebody get that man a stiff drink. I’ve seen happier faces in line at LAX.

But isn’t that ultimately what happens to 90 percent of the “next big things” in the National Football League? Teams figure out your innovative new offense, things start to get a little more difficult, and before you know it, the media is evaluating not just your play on the field, but every aspect of your personality. NFL media are part scout, part psychoanalyst.

Remember Selfie-gate? Probably not, because nobody actually called it that. But a couple of months ago, when Titans quarterback Zach Mettenberger commemorated being named the starter with a rather outstanding cell phone self portrait, his opponent for the week, J.J. Watt, took notice.

“It’s just kind of a reminder, this is the National Football League, not high school,” said Watt after mocking Mettenberger in a selfie sack celebration, “If I was a rookie quarterback being named the starter for the first time in the league, I feel like I’d be a little bit more focused than that.”

A little more focused … than to take a selfie! To unlock the phone, press the shutter button, and send to Snapchat probably took, what, 20 seconds? But apparently such frivolities distract from the always-serious business of being the face of a franchise. And lest you think it was just Mettenberger’s opponents that had a problem with his “rough edges,” remember that his own team encouraged him to cut his hair before his first start. To quote head coach Ken Whisenhunt, “it’s because of what the position entails.” Apparently Whisenhunt gets his philosophy on quarterbacks from Abe “Grandpa” Simpson. Now there’s a haircut you can set your watch to!

It’s more than a little preposterous that in 2014, in a time of science, and reason, and sports analytics, we continue to waste so much time worrying how hairstyles, social media, and the occasional basketball outing might affect a player’s performance. A decision on an NFL talent should be rather straightforward: If he’s playing well, keep him in there, and if he’s not, give him the hook. But it’s not enough, it’s never enough, to merely play football. The modern player needs to be consumed by it.

Here, again, we return to everyone’s favorite defensive monster, J.J. Watt. If you’ve spent any time on NFL Twitter, you’ve probably seen the following passed around as the ultimate pro football words of wisdom.

Here, Watt perfectly articulates the way that so many feel about life in the NFL. Being a football player and “having a personal life” are apparently not compatible. “Relaxing,” “drinking,” and “being a regular guy” are all things that get in the way of becoming that gridiron prototype.

And the thing is, it’s fine if J.J. Watt wants to live that way. It’s entirely his prerogative how much time he spends in the gym, and how many sacrifices he wants to make in the name of his football career. Hell, Watt is a joy to watch, a one man wrecking crew who has turned himself into a bonafide MVP candidate. If his so-far-immaculate career is the product of this type of immersion, far be it from anyone to tell him to change his routine.

But Watt’s credo can’t, and shouldn't, be the mission statement for every man who wants to make a living playing a game. The end result would be a sport stripped of all personality, humor, charm and entertainment. The NFL has been derided as the “No Fun League” for years now, and it’s not just because of celebration penalties and uniform fines. It’s also because the league, and the people who cover it, are so insistent that football is all that matters, that the game can’t be compartmentalized, that there’s no possible way to succeed without turning yourself into a cog in the machine.