Make The Olympics Great Again!!!
15 quick and easy fixes to make the Olympics even more awesome
Every four summers, the world comes together, holds hands, sings Kumbaya together… and rants on social media about everything the Olympics should do better. The coverage is terrible. The events are stupid. The competitors cheat. The committee is corrupt. And so on and so forth.
It’s silly really, because the Olympics are terrific. They offer a two-week break from everything else and a chance to celebrate athletics and join together in misplaced jingoistic pride, and that’s wonderful. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make them even better.
The Olympics are already good. They’re really good. Here’s how we can make them great again.
End the tyranny of the International Olympic Committee!
The IOC is a joke. They take every athlete’s two most marketable weeks of their life and prevent them from making any money off of it — so the IOC can instead. And there’s the ridiculous Rule 40 to stop the flow of GIFs, Vines, hashtags, and everything else that help make the Olympics viral and fun.
Why not just trademark “Team USA” or the word “Olympic” while you’re at it? Oh wait … The IOC is out. It’s over.
Take away NBC’s coverage monopoly!
Enough with the delayed events and spoiled results. Everything airs live, on TV, in every time zone. Stop making it impossible to find programming on TV or the internet. Quit ignoring the rest of the world’s athletes and picking which events I get to watch. Enough already, NBC!
Easy solution: Just take away exclusive rights. Everyone can cover the Olympics and show what they please. Why shouldn’t CBS, ABC, FOX, and NBC all have Olympic coverage? They can all beam the 100m finals, but if I don’t like the Bob Costas interview on NBC, I should be able to switch over to ABC’s live handball coverage or FOX’s midnight Copacabana dance party.
Add some more helpful graphics!
How is it 2016 and we still don’t consistently know what’s happening on the screen right now? Are we in lane three or lane four? Which one is lane four again … is that the one by the yellow one? Is this for a medal?
Also, why not have some sort of Bottom Line technology? Remind us what’s happening live on the other channels with Olympic coverage. And now that we’re not tape delaying, give us score updates and event standings and medal counts. How is this not happening already?
Spread things out — give us three full weeks!
Why did we decide we needed to cram everything into two precious weeks every four summers? These athletes have trained most of their life; can’t we give them each their own moment?
Remember when Michael Phelps swam for a gold medal and had 26 minutes to exit the pool, cool down, stand on the podium, and line up for another race? We can’t move that race back a few hours or to another day?
Rafael Nadal competed in singles, doubles, and mixed doubles. He was asked to play 15 tennis matches in one week. 15!! That can ruin a guy’s career. Soccer teams are playing matches every few days. Rugby forced each team to play two games on the same day, then two more again the next day!
Nothing’s happening in August anyway. Give the Olympics at least three full weeks. Let us see everything.
Make the Olympics every three years!
Some athletes miss out on top-level competition just because of one injury or a tiny stumble, missing their one shot over a seven-year window because they were born in the wrong year. There’s literally no reason not to have the Olympics more often.
We may not need it every year or even every two years, but three is totally reasonable. Honestly the only reason not to do it is because you suck at math and you’ll forget which years are Olympic years.
No more individual competition limits per country!
You can even call it the Gabby Douglas rule.
Competition limits are stupid. This isn’t the MLB All-Star Game. We don’t need to see equal representation and participation ribbons for everyone. If you’re among the best in the world at what you do, you should be competing.
And if that means being embarrassed that USA sweeps the women’s gymnastics medal stand, then other countries should do something about it.
No more animal sports and no vehicle sports!
This is a human competition. Enough with your dressage.
Goodbye equestrian. We don’t have dogs catching Frisbees, so why should horses get their own stage? And as for vehicles, the rule is simple: if you make it go, you can compete in it. Canoes, bikes, skis: all OK. Don’t you ever give us NASCAR or jet-skiing at the Olympics.
And get rid of race-walking, too. If we can’t tell whether you’re competing or just rushing to the nearest Port-a-Potty, you’re not a world-class athlete.
More beach sports!
Most things in life are better on a beach. We already get volleyball and beach volleyball. How about more of the same for other events?
Beach soccer? Absolutely. Beach rugby? Even better. Beach Ultimate Frisbee 7-on-7? Immediately in. Beach flag football? Beach kickball? Done and done.
Let’s throw in a 3-on-3 outdoor basketball tournament at the beach too, Rucker Park style. Chain link nets, make-it-take-it, call your own fouls.
And shouts to Rio for the late-night beach volleyball, too. Great addition.
More team events!
Individual greatness is awesome, but everyone loves rooting for their country.
Take golf, for example. Why have just another four-day tournament? What about combining the scores for a team medal, too — like you’re not tuning in for the final holes of Sweden -21 vs USA -19 on Sunday for gold? You can even throw in some best-ball action or a team tournament.
Look how much fun the Ryder Cup is. Why not do more of that for golf and other events?
More mixed events!
Mixed events are delightful and promote the exact sort of cooperative positive athletic achievement the Olympics are going for.
Men and women already compete together in tennis and badminton. How about mixed synchronized diving? Or mixed golf and archery tournaments? Maybe a mixed team gymnastics competition with eight events and one person on each?
Or how about a mixed relay? Just imagine Phelps and Ledecky in the same 4x100 relay — and teams can pick the order. Justin Gatlin and Tori Bowie will still lose to Jamaica in the 4x100 but they can lose together.
Cheering and yelling is allowed at all times!
The Olympics will be the one time every four years when cheering is always allowed. Fans shouldn’t be silenced because golf and tennis players think everyone should shush so they can concentrate. The world doesn’t stop every time Steph Curry wants to shoot.
Let’s see these athletes deal with the added emotion, and let’s ride the wave of fandom. I want chants of USA! USA! USA! I want singing. I want Brazil and Argentina fans yelling at each other from across the aisles. Yes, please.
Put a random fan with the experts on every broadcast!
It’s the Leslie Jones phenomenon.
Oh sure, we need the experts to tell us exactly who just scored in fencing or who’s winning the judo match (game? fight?) or exactly why we just lost a tenth of a point on the latest dive or balance beam routine. But how much fun would it be just to have a totally uneducated fan in the booth seeing everything for the first time, too?
“WHOA that dude just stabbed the other guy!!! HOLY CRAP that girl just did two somersaults off her back foot! OMG that woman just long-jumped across the entire room!!!”
Put a random fan in every event too!
We need context. Simone Biles is incredible, I think, because they keep telling me so. And she sure looks incredible … I think. I could do that spinny thing on the balance beam if I practiced a couple times, right? And that twisty cartwheel thingy?
Take a random Joe out of the stands and have him attempt Aly’s floor routine. Let him run in lane 10 and finish five seconds after Usain Bolt. Laugh as he and a teammate row a kayak in circles while the real Olympians cruise across the line.
Better yet, let’s get Bartolo Colon to do everything.
This would be wildly entertaining and help us appreciate Olympic greatness.
Add a platinum medal for rare special occasions!
Everyone has a gold medal these days. Your neighbor has a gold medal. Your grandmother has a gold medal. Even Harrison Barnes has a gold medal now.
When Majlinda Kelmendi wins a judo event in Kosovo’s first Olympics ever and walks off the mat in a pile of tears? That deserves a platinum medal. Ditto for every player on that Fiji rugby team. When Katie Ledecky breaks a world record and looks like she’s the only athlete in the pool at the end of her race? Yeah, that’s a platinum. If Juan Martin del Potro had actually beaten Djokovic, Nadal, and Murray all in the same week to win a title? Platinum.
Imagine the excitement as every broadcast but NBC gives us a live cut-in for synchronized diving’s first-ever platinum medal. You’re really changing the channel?
I can hear the questions already. Are platinum medals for world records only? Can a player win more than one? Who decides?
Listen, I’m an ideas man. Logistics is down the hallway.
Fix the medal count!
And no, I’m not talking about complex fixes like per-capita medal counts or charts that account for international GDP and which direction the toilets in that country flush. Just one simple change: team sports should count for as many medals as starters on the team.
Yes, the U.S. won approximately 1,000 gold medals in these Olympics, but 570 of them are from track and swimming events. Do you realize we are giving out 56 judo medals in Rio but just six in soccer? We’re really counting a four-second vault gold the same as winning an entire soccer tournament?
If you win basketball, that counts for five golds in the medal count. Rugby is worth seven. Beach volleyball is two. You get the picture. It only makes sense.
End the host nation insanity!
We go through this every Olympic cycle. Will all of the venues be ready in time? What will happen to the 562 new arenas after the games? Are we sure the Olympics are good for a host nation’s economy? (Spoiler: They’re not.)
One solution could be just having one nation that hosts every Olympics, but that probably would be the USA, and that would be boring. Perhaps a few permanent rotating sites could work.
Here’s a better solution. Choose one new host like Rio each Olympics. They’ll host the opening and closing ceremonies and some key events like athletics and swimming. The rest will be held at four or five regional hosts all around the world. Tennis is in Spain this year! And China is hosting soccer!
Live sports 24/7 for three straight Olympic weeks. Late-night handball in Germany! 5 a.m. rugby in Australia! Think of the possibilities!!
More countries could host when it only means a few new stadiums. More world travel. More nations holding hands and coming together for good!
More events!!!!!
The Olympics are a rare chance for both quantity and quality. So let’s add to the fun. Shouldn’t cricket be an Olympic event? Olympic jai alai? Lacrosse? Absolutely. Again, what about Ultimate Frisbee and flag football 7-on-7? And kickball and dodgeball? Olympic Wiffleball and disc golf! Bring back the tug of war. How about Olympic Red Rover or capture the flag while we’re at it?
Add more relays! How fun would a 4x50m swim be (extra diving blocks!), and why isn’t there a 100/200/400/800m track relay? Can I interest you in a 4x100m medley featuring sprinting, backward running, crab walk, and bear walk? And while we’re here, let’s make a 4x200m freestyle and let the U.S. have Katie Ledecky swim the entire race just to keep it competitive.
Tag team wrestling should be a thing. Out with field hockey; in with roller hockey. An Olympic arm wrestling tournament to determine the World’s Strongest Man! How about a chariot race or a roller derby? Can I interest you in a massive Olympic jousting tournament? How about a triennial competitive eating contest featuring the host nation’s go-to cuisine?
You know how there’s a million survival reality shows? How about a week-long Olympic survival race across rivers, up rock faces, ending in the open arena? What better way to see the host nation than that?
And for the host city itself, they’ll host Olympic parkour. What is Rio but a beautiful canvas waiting for incredible athletes to run across the top of its buildings with a panel of corrupt officials judging?
Turn the modern pentathlon into the modern pubtathlon!
Do you realize how ludicrous the modern pentathlon is? It consists of fencing, swimming, horseback riding, shooting, and running. The modern pentathlon is what would happen if a rich dude invited you and your friends to his giant private island and then told you only one person is getting out alive.
The world needs a modern pubtathlon. You’ll compete in darts, poker, arm wrestling, cup stacking, and beer pong. Three-drink minimum for each event.
Done and done. See you at Tokyo 2019!
Note: Some ideas are based on conversations with friends or social media. And yes I’m aware Bill Simmons did something similar on Any Given Wednesday. Alas.
