Peyton Manning and the Broncos got manhandled by the Rams. The defending Super Bowl champions remained dysfunctional and mediocre. The Saints lost at home to Andy Dalton. The Falcons entered their game at 3–6 and emerged in first place. The Browns entered their game in first place and exited it in last. Some guy you never heard of ran for four touchdowns against the Colts.

Week 11 in the NFL was the latest reminder that we all know absolutely nothing.

All we do know is that one of 32 NFL teams will win the Super Bowl. (Well, 31. The Raiders were officially eliminated from the postseason this week.) Feel free to continue rooting for your favorite team to win it all, but understand that it’s very unlikely to happen. You’re just setting your delicate sports fan heart up for disappointment.

So instead of hoping for glory, why not root for complete NFL chaos? If your favorite team isn’t going to win it all — and they’re not; sorry — let’s have the 2014 season go completely awry. Like this:

Carolina wins the NFC South at 5–10–1.

The NFC South is awful. Historically awful. Mike Smith was all but officially fired two weeks ago. Now he’s in first place at 4–6. It’s likely the division champion will match the lows of the 7–9 NFC West champion Seahawks of 2010. But the NFC South can do much, much worse.

The Falcons are going to go south — even more south; NFC South south — fast. They play the Browns, Cardinals, Packers and Steelers in their next four games. Let’s say they finish 5–11.

The Saints could easily lose-out — they play the Ravens and Steelers next and have two of their final four on the road — while the 3–7–1 Panthers have the easiest schedule left in the division: bye, at Vikings, at Saints, Bucs, Browns, at Falcons. If Carolina can beat the Saints and Falcons, they can win the division at 5–10–1 … and get a home playoff game. What a magical time to be alive!

Brandon Weeden’s Cowboys lock up the NFC’s No. 1 overall seed.

This is not wishing injury on Tony Romo. He has an existing back injury and the Cowboys have shown little interest in protecting him. Chances are he will aggravate his back again late in the regular season as Dallas pushes for homefield advantage — giving us playoffs Weeden. Amazing!

The NFC playoffs feature Weeden, Jim Caldwell’s Detroit Lions, Mark Sanchez, the 5–10–1 Panthers, Drew Stanton … and Aaron Rodgers.

Only Aaron Rodgers is preventing us from having the most hilarious NFC playoffs of all-time. The jerk must be stopped.

The Broncos miss the playoffs in Week 17.

The Broncos are not playing good football. They’ve lost two of three, getting killed by noted Peyton Manning rivals Tom Brady and Shaun Hill. Their next four games are against the Dolphins, Chiefs, Bills, Chargers and Bengals. All of those teams have winning records. Three of those game are on the road. It’s not unreasonable that the 7–3 Broncos could continue to scuffle and need a win in Week 17 to make the playoffs.

So, who do they play in Week 17? The 0–15 Oakland Raiders, of course. Peyton Manning losing to an 0–15 team to miss the playoffs would be the most Peyton Manning thing ever. It must happen.

The AFC playoffs feature Andy Dalton, the Browns, Kyle Orton, Ryan Mallett’s Texans, Alex Smith … and Tom Brady.

Only Tom Brady is preventing us from having the most hilarious AFC playoffs of all-time. The jerk must be stopped.

Please, God, let the DEA have found steroids in the lockers of Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady. For the laughs, God. For the laughs. Don’t ruin this postseason for us.

By the way, are you spending time at The Cauldron’s NFL Sunday Spectacular every week? It’s pretty much required viewing at this point — particularly since you can save yourself 10 hours every weekend in order to cross some items off that honey-do list.

Get your .GIF on!

Quote of the Week

“[nothing]” — Marshawn Lynch

Despite a warning from the NFL that he could be fined $100,000 for refusing to speak to the media this week, Lynch packed up his locker and left without saying a word following Seattle’s loss the the Chiefs on Sunday.

As a reminder here’s a brief recap of the NFL’s fine structure:

• $100,000 if you don’t talk to the media
• $10,000 for not wearing the headphones of NFL partner Bose
• $8,268 — a round, logical number! — for diving at an opponent’s knees from behind the play

The NFL Network has a lot of time to fill every week. It’s ridiculous that they have yet to air a show called “Roger Goodell’s Wheel O’ Punishment.”

“We’re back with Roger Goodell’s Wheel O’ Punishment. I’m your host, Rich Eisen. Okay, our next player got drunk and plowed through a school bus stop sending child bodies flying. Let’s see what he gets when he spins the Wheel O’ Punishment! Put down your flask and give it a whirl! Annnnnnnnnnd … a $517.48 fine! Congratulations!”

Nah. I’m just kidding. Just jokes. Mr. Goodell is CONSISTENT with his punishments, as he has made quite clear. Love you, Rog! You’re the best!

Stat of the Week

Patriots rookie third-string running back Jonas Gray ran for 199 years and four touchdowns in New England’s dominating victory over the Colts Sunday night. The game was his first start in the NFL. Even more amazing: there were only two other rushing TDs in the entire NFL in Week 11 outside of Gray’s performance.

Where did the no-name back come from? Notre Dame, where he was recruited by former Patriots offensive coordinator Charlie Weis — a claim Weis will no doubt cover in the 17 voice mails he leaves Bill Belichick today asking for a job.

This Week’s Horrible Fantasy Team That Crushed Your Team

Andy Dalton, QB, Bengals — 16-for-22, 220 yards, 3 TD, 12 rushing yards

Jonas Gray, RB, Patriots — 38 carries, 199 yards, 4 TD

Roy Helu, RB, Washington — 6 catches, 57 yards, TD

Kenny Britt, WR, Rams — 4 catches, 128 yards, TD

Michael Floyd, WR, Cardinals — 2 catches, 54 yards, 2 TD

Jermaine Gresham, TE, Bengals — 2 catches, 13 yards, 2 TD

Press Conference Questions Someone Should Have Asked

Chip Kelly: “Will you interview for the Florida job or is the opportunity to win a Super Bowl with Mark Sanchez just too exciting to pass up?”

Chuck Pagano: “In case you were unaware, DEA agents have been raiding locker rooms today. Do you need to leave the press conference to help LaRon Landry destroy the contents of his locker?”

Jay Gruden: “What is your favorite Frank Stallone movie?”

Reader Twitter Question of the Week

Oh, you poor gentleman. That’s not happening. Ever.

Eli Manning will be quarterback of the Giants until the day he decides to retire to spend more awkward time with his family and teach his kids terrible body language.

It doesn’t matter how poorly he plays. Being awful closely preceded each of his Super Bowl titles. That’s the curse of Eli’s rings (“The Curse of Eli’s Rings” is a solid movie title, by the way). The Giants can’t ever dump him because: a) two-time Super Bowl winning quarterbacks are not released; and b) some in the Giants organization will always believe that glory could always just be around the corner from prolonged Eli disaster.

“But Peyton changed teams!”

Yes, he did. Quite easily. Because teams wanted Peyton Manning to play quarterback for them. No one will want a mid-30s turnover machine who is the only quarterback to have his name listed twice on the “Worst Quarterbacks to Win a Super Bowl” list: 1) Trent Dilfer; 2) Brad Johnson; 3) 2007 Eli Manning; 4) Joe Flacco; 5) 2011 Eli Manning.

The Giants will keep Eli forever because they dream that one day he could add his name to that list a third time.

10 Things They Think We Think I Think

1. The extent of Chip Kelly’s “genius” is still up for debate. But at least we know now that it doesn’t nearly reach the heights of making Mark Sanchez a competent professional quarterback. And that’s okay. Because if Kelly was so smart that he could make the Sanchise competent, he’d be wasting his brain and his life in football. We need our super-geniuses solving world problems, not working in sports. Eagles fans may disagree, but Philadelphia’s empty Super Bowl trophy case is not one of the world’s great issues. In fact, it brings joy to millions.

2. DEA agents raided several NFL locker rooms on Sunday to investigate the handling and distribution of painkillers in NFL locker rooms. Here’s how those raids likely went.

“Everybody freeze! This is a DEA raid! We know you have a huge stash of illegal painkillers in here!”

[The agents are shot in the neck by the team trainer’s illegal elephant tranquilizer dart gun. They wake up Monday morning with the locker room empty.]

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. But there’s nothing here. The NFL must be clean.”

“Yep. I’ll tell the president to expedite Roger Goodell’s Congressional Medal of Freedom.”

3. J.J. Watt caught a touchdown pass against the Browns on a fade route. Crazy! Let’s take one more look and enjoy the entertainment it provided.

Okay, now fire everyone on the Texans involved in the decision. Fade routes are terrible. Sideline fades in the red zone have less than a 25-percent success rate. Throwing them to defensive linemen doesn’t make it better. Taking a stupid idea and making it dumber doesn’t make you smart, even if it’s successful. For example, I could start a Conestoga wagon business. It’s an awful business idea and I’d likely go bankrupt. Ahhhh! But what if I made my Great Dane the CEO? It’s still a dumb idea. Maybe I sell a few Conestoga wagons to people who want to support a dog-run business, but that doesn’t make me any less of a moron.

4. Eli Manning after his latest 5-interception game: “I’ve got to do better.” No, Eli. No. Please don’t.

You can’t do better, Eli. You already own all the terrible parts of the record books. Stop now.

5. Rob O’Neill, the ex-SEAL who claims to have shot Osama bin Laden, spoke to Washington before their home game against the Buccaneers.

They then lost 27–7 to the 1–8 Bucs. Some missions truly are impossible.

6. The Packers are the first team since the 1953 Rams to score 53 points or more in back-to-back games. Why do I tell you this? The same reason anyone talks about history: to be amused by olden times names. Some olden times names on the ‘53 Rams:

• Norm Van Brocklin
• Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch
• Vitamin Smith
• Dick Hoerner
• Tank Younger
• Ed Champagne
• Dick Huffman

7. The Cardinals are now 9–1 for the first time since 1948. Why do I tell you this? COME ON! I already explained why I tell you these things. PAY ATTENTION! Some olden times names on the 1948 Chicago Cardinals:

• Vic Schwall
• Pat Harder
• Vinnie Yablonski
• Elmer Angsman
• Babe Dimancheff
• Red Cochran
• Plato Andros
• Walt Szot
• Dick Wedel
• Dick Loepfe

Pro Tip: You can determine the approximate time-i-ness — olden or new — of any list of names by noting the amount of Dick on it. There’s not a single person who goes by the name “Dick” born after 1974. If you see anyone under the age of 40 named Dick, he’s a liar. In fact, he’s not only a liar, he’s a very old man with Benjamin Button disease. Immediately put a sack over his head, tie him up and take this Dick to an unlicensed medical research facility for testing.

8. Philip Rivers is reportedly struggling with a “severe” rib injury. Stop trying to remove your ribs to create additional children, Philip! Only God can make people that way.

9. I would like to give some special recognition to the website Pro Football Talk for its Jonas Gray headline: “Four-TD shades of Jonas Gray for Patriots.”

I took a screen-cap of it in case they decide to change it to a headline that is equally topical (within 5–150 years) and not tortured in any way, such as:

“Jonas (Gray) Brothers sing song of 4 TDs, which is one more than the number of the Jonas Brothers (unless there’s a fourth one we don’t know about?)” or “The Picture of Dorian (Jonas) Gray: 4 scores and one game ago Abraham Lincoln hashtag.”

10. The Colts losing to the Patriots was very important. Andrew Luck didn’t play poorly, but he still lost. He has now lost to Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger and Tom Brady this year. He’s now 0–3 in his career, including the playoffs, against Brady. In his postseason career, he’s just 1–2 with 8 interceptions in those three games.

Peyton and the older generation of quarterbacks aren’t going to be around forever. Some day we won’t have them to call chokers. We need a new generation of great quarterbacks to mercilessly tear apart. Thankfully, Luck has stepped forward. If he fails to win the Super Bowl this year — and with the Colts’ defense, that’s likely to happen — a narrative about Luck being a choker who can’t win when it matters (he couldn’t even win the Fiesta Bowl as a senior at Stanford!) is really going to gain some steam. #blessed