Monday NFL Hangover: Week 15

DJ Gallo
The Cauldron
Published in
9 min readDec 15, 2014

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Johnny Failball could destroy the world, still dreaming of a 6–10 division champ, and Aaron Rodgers’ sex-fueled Buffalo failure.

Oh, Johnny Football. What have you done?

Yes, it was just one game. One very horrific game. A small sample size. And, sure, there are some great quarterbacks who had bad NFL debuts. But, with regard to sample sizes, there are many more bad quarterbacks who had bad NFL debuts. You know, on account of them not being good. (Think on it a bit. It makes sense. They were bad, so they played poorly from the start.)

https://medium.com/the-cauldron/here-lies-johnny-football-318561afd9ae

The problem, John-F, is that you are not just any quarterback. Many a no-name Jaguars or Titans rookie quarterback has debuted, stunk and been forgotten. They don’t matter. But you are Jonathan Football. There is too much on the line for you to be a bust. If Sunday’s performance was a sign of what’s to come, if you are going to be Johnny Failball (ZING!), the repercussions will be vast. Consider …

LeBron’s legacy could be in ruins
LeBron vouched for you, John. He’s the biggest name in American sports. One of the most famous athletes in the world. And he went all-in on you. He went all-in on a Cleveland Browns quarterback. There is no bigger risk a human can take.

LeBron is essentially the general manager of the Cavaliers, and if he’s this wrong on evaluating your talent, what can we expect him to build with the Cavs? LeBron can’t have a Johnny Football flameout staining his legacy. Do you remember Michael Jordan telling everyone in Chicago how great Mike Tomczak or Steve Walsh was going to be? No. It didn’t happen. Because Michael Jordan knows better. Because he is the greatest of all time.

Moralizing sportswriters could be empowered
Ever since you started putting up big numbers with Texas A&M, America’s old-man sportswriters have hated you. “He’s too cocky! He’s not doing it THE RIGHT WAY(tm)! He’ll never make it in the NFL.”

Please don’t make them right, Johnny. We can’t have you and Colin Kaepernick fail in the same few months. America can’t handle the flood of curmudgeonly “I told you so’s” and finger-wagging that will be unleashed.

Cleveland Christmas will be ruined
Imagine all the kids in Cleveland unwrapping their gifts Christmas morning to find another jersey that will be given to Goodwill in a few months to sit unsold on a shelf with Brady Quinn and Brandon Weeden jerseys.

Children look up to you, Johnny. Well, figuratively. As Marvin Lewis knows, children actually look you right in the eye. Either way, John, don’t make the children cry.

Uncle Nate will be out of a job
Your pal Uncle Nate relies on you. If you fail, Nate and all of your hangers-on go down the tubes with you. No one will pour you drinks. No one will inflate your swans. Did you know that Nate isn’t even a real uncle? He has no nieces or nephews that love him. He has only you, Johnny. Don’t ruin him.

The economy could collapse
What if the money sign becomes a joke? What if it becomes conflated with failure? Money is what drives capitalism. It fuels America. If everyone starts associating money with a historic NFL bust, money could be seen as a negative. Our economy could collapse, leaving the entire country, the entire world, like … well, like post-industrial Cleveland.

Save Cleveland, Johnny. Save the world.

Quote of the Week

“Whoever drafted [Johnny Manziel] in Cleveland, they need to be fired.” — Merril Hoge, ESPN analyst

Strong sentiments, Mr. Hoge, but if you recall, a homeless man is the reason the Browns drafted Manziel. You usually can’t fire a homeless guy. A large part of being homeless is the likelihood he already lost the job he did have.*

Although … if you were able to fire the homeless, wouldn’t that be great?

“Hey, homeless guy. YOU’RE FIRED!”

“Wait. So I have to stop living on the street and I will now be given a steady job with a livable wage?”

“That’s right. IMMEDIATELY. I want you in a house by the end of the day.”

“Thank you! Thank you for firing me!”

* Editor’s note: More homeless are actually employed than you would expect, especially in robust economic times, but a large portion of the homeless list unemployment/lack of steady income as a primary factor in their homelessness.

Stat of the Week

40.5

Aaron Rodgers completed just 40.5 percent of his passes against Buffalo, a career low. He also threw the most incompletions (23) for a single game in his career and posted his first-ever game of zero touchdowns with multiple interceptions. He was horrible.

But if you had told me before Sunday’s action that Johnny Manziel would have a better completion percentage than Aaron Rodgers and the same touchdowns and interceptions numbers, I would have said: “Those are oddly specific things to walk up and tell a complete stranger. Get away from me, weirdo, or I’ll call the police.”

Then later I probably would have thought: “Huh. That insane person from earlier today who showed up at my house uninvited was right about those random statistics. Maybe I shouldn’t have called the cops on him.”

This Week’s Horrible Fantasy Team That Somehow Beat You in the Playoffs

Alex Smith, QB, Chiefs — 18-for-30, 297 yards, 2 TD, 17 rushing yards

Matt Asiata, RB, Vikings — 86 total yards, TD

Knile Davis, RB, Chiefs — 81 total yards, TD

Devin Hester, WR, Falcons — 5 catches, 85 yards, TD

James Jones, WR, Raiders — 8 catches, 57 yards, TD

Brent Celek, TE, Eagles — 4 catches, 52 yards

Press Conference Questions Someone Should Have Asked

Jay Gruden: “In your mind, was today RG3's worst performance ever, because now you’ll be pressured to keep playing him?”

Pete Carroll: “Considering today could be the last time you ever coach against Jim Harbaugh, do you regret not being more dickish?”

Ron Rivera: “How does it feel to be the head coach of the worst first-place team ever?”

Reader Twitter Question of the Week

First, an explanation for that question: I tweeted out a call for Hangover questions and accidentally typed: “Amy questions for the NFL Hangover?” Terrible mistake? No. Great mistake. Browns franchise-saving mistake.

Like the development of penicillin, many of the world’s greatest inventions are by accident. Now a typo in a tweet could give the Browns their perfect quarterback.

What’s the one thing that unites all Browns quarterbacks through the ages? You are correct. It’s that they’re terrible. The problem is that the Browns don’t embrace their quarterbacking failure. They fight against it. They are ashamed of it. They bring in terrible quarterback after terrible quarterback, desperately trying to improve, but always failing to do so. This is the wrong approach. The Browns must be who they are. The must live their truth/failure. Only then can they find some pride.

“I have no arm strength. I’m super-douchey. I can’t read defenses. I’m short. And I have a Drake tattoo on my wrist. JEALOUS?!?!”

10 Things I Think Amy Thought I’d Think I Think

1. Here’s a rundown of young NFL quarterbacks Kyle Shanahan has been tasked with developing in his career:

  • Matt Schaub
  • RGIII
  • Johnny Manziel

Their careers have yet to reach Hall of Fame levels. In related news, when Lane Kiffin was head coach of the Raiders, he molded the development of a young JaMarcus Russell.

“Look, don’t worry about making the NFL. All you need is a close relative with an established job in the league and you’re all set.” (AP)

Let this be a lesson to NFL teams: When you want a coach to develop a young quarterback, don’t leave it up to a guy who only has his career thanks to nepotism. They don’t know much about development.

“Hey, coach. Any tips on how to get ahead?”

“Uhhh … I just ask my dad. Any chance your dad can give you a job as a Pro Bowl quarterback?”

“What? No.”

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you then. You’re probably screwed.”

2. So I have a theory on why Aaron Rodgers was horrible this week. On Thursday on “Watch What Happens Live!”, Rodgers’ girlfriend — actress Olivia Munn — said that she and Rodgers make the sex six days a week, but not on Sundays.

Rodgers and Munn are not married, and the quarterback has very religious parents (and claims to be a devout Christian himself). What if Rodgers got a call on Friday or Saturday from his mom asking about this sex-having?

“What? A star QB can’t have any sex around here??” (AP)

“I thought you said you were just dating and you said that when she stays over she sleeps on the couch with her sleeping bag zipped all the way up? But now she says you’re fornicating? THIS IS NOT HOW I RAISED YOU, AARON!”

Ashamed to have disappointed his parents, Rodgers then put up the worst game of his career.

Alternate theory: the Bills have a good defense and it’s hard to throw the ball in Buffalo in December. But that’s boring. This headline is far better for #pageviews:

RUMOR: SHAMED OVER LOSING VIRGINITY TO HOLLYWOOD VIXEN, AARON RODGERS PLAYS WORST GAME EVER

3. Matt Ryan and Russell Wilson both benefited from roughing-the-passer penalties this week on completely legal hits. Ryan got sacked — hard — so the refs assumed: “Look how he went flying. Probably something illegal there!” And Wilson got hit while letting go of a pass, which up until yesterday was a thing that was allowed.

It’s easy to say that NFL rules make no sense and are increasingly called in an arbitrary manner. That’s just wrong. Modern NFL rules are very clear. In fact, there’s just one rule. Here it is: “If a ref decides to throw a flag for whatever reason on a play — even if it doesn’t make sense — something illegal happened, so deal with it.”

Pretty simple, really. Not much to argue with there.

4. “Nev-er going to block again.”

5. Congratulations to the Patriots and Colts on clinching their divisions. Again. As good as the Patriots and Colts have been over the years, they couldn’t have done it without the Jets, Dolphins, Bills, Jaguars, Titans and Texans contributing year after year after year with complete incompetence. The Patriots and Colts shouldn’t forget all those they stepped on to reach their current heights.

6. With the 5–8–1 Carolina Panthers currently atop the NFC South, it’s time again to look at hilarious NFC playoffs scenarios. Currently on the table:

  • a 6–9–1 (Panthers) or 6–10 (Falcons!!) NFC South champion hosting the defending Super Bowl champions at home
  • a Ryan Lindley-led Arizona Cardinals team hosting Aaron Rodgers and Packers at home
  • the winners of those games moving on to face Jim Caldwell and the Lions and Tony Romo and the Cowboys

If anyone has my name for the Christmas gift exchange, please get me this. You owe me after getting me RG3 socks last year.

7. Look at this idiot:

Yeah. Top row. The UNC shirt. They lost to Kentucky and Iowa in the last two weeks? Pretty ballsy to go out in public with that on.

8. The worst part of Buffalo’s upset of Green Bay was, of course, having to see Jim Schwartz’s stupid face looking smug. Here are my power rankings of Most Punchable NFL Faces:

  1. Jim Schwartz’s smug/victorious face
  2. Jim Schwartz’s normal/loser face
  3. Geno Smith’s face, apparently

9. Imagine being so stupid you assault a Jets quarterback. These are not people you punch. You are careful with them. You help them up. You give them back rubs if they need it. You want Jets quarterbacks on the field. They are an opponent’s greatest weapon. You knock out a Jets quarterback, you basically knock out your chance of a win.

10. New Jersey governor Chris Christie traveled across the Delaware River (and the bridge was open! #blessed) to watch the Eagles play the Cowboys on Sunday night. But he sat with Jerry Jones and cheered on Dallas. It turns out Christie, born in Newark — not far from where the Giants and Jets play — is a huge Cowboys fan.

Could Christie’s Cowboys fandom hurt him if he runs for president? Does choosing to root for the Cowboys suggest someone has judgment issues that make them unfit for office? Do we want someone who will be angered by 4–8 Cowboys regular/postseason collapses with his finger on the button?

These are the stakes. Don’t let Tony Romo be responsible for the lives of little girls. Vote Anyone But Christie 2016.

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