Just a week ago, all of the NFL hot takes stated that the New England Patriots and Tom Brady were done. Washed up. Over. Now, after beating the Cincinnati Bengals at home, the hottest Patriots takes say they are 100-percent fixed and are surely a Super Bowl threat.

Some might see this wild shift in Patriots wisdom as standard, week-to-week overreaction by the football media and scoff. Others will realize the people who gave these smoldering opinions are highly-paid NFL “experts” and will wonder how they can get into the lucrative NFL hot take industry.

Wonder no more. There are seven important tips you must remember to become a top NFL hot taker.

1. Establish your expert bona fides by stating common sense and conventional wisdom as though it’s revolutionary and controversial
Do you think having a good defense or an offense that can score points is important? Of course you do! Everyone does. But if you want to be an NFL expert, you must state opinions like these loudly, slowly and condescendingly.

It goes something like this: “Listen. I won’t be convinced otherwise. Playing good defense … is important … if you want to succeed … in the NATIONAL Football League.”

Here’s another good example:

2. Have zero memory
Great athletes have to have a short memory so they can bounce back from mistakes. Great hot takers must have no memory at all or they would be incapable of overreacting from week to week and play to play.

Do you meet this requirement? Here’s a test: Do you remember the question that was asked in the preceding sentence? If you do, the hot take game is not for you.

3. Be willing to say anything to get noticed
Do you think the Seahawks and Broncos are good? Of course you do. Everyone does. But saying the Seahawks and Broncos are good won’t get you noticed. You’ll just be another voice in a chorus of football media nobodies. Yuck.

Instead, say that they suck. Or if that’s too blistering of a take, say that they have “issues” that “need work” if they want to “get where they want get.”

4. Use vague language that makes it sound like you’re saying something
What are the “issues”? Who knows. But even the greatest football dynasties weren’t completely perfect. Nailed it!

What does “need work” mean? Chances are the team will keep practicing throughout the season, so you’re good on this one, too.

Where do they “want to get”? The playoffs? The Super Bowl? To improvement? Yes. All of them. Or one. Or most.

And, of course, use the meaningless terms “elite” and “legacy” at least 50 times per day. Your legacy as an elite analyst depends on it.

5. Always gloat about the “analysis” you got correct
Did the Seahawks give up a touchdown? THESE WERE THE “ISSUES” YOU WERE REFERRING TO. Giving up a touchdown in the playoffs at the wrong time could hurt them. That’s just a fact.

6. Always imply your incorrect “analysis” served as team motivation
It’s not that you were wrong last week in saying that the Patriots were a flaming pile of cow chips, only to be made to look foolish a week later. It’s that the Patriots all gathered ‘round the television, heard your completely reasoned criticism of them, and vowed then and there to improve themselves as football players and as men. If anything, you should be thanked.

7. Check your bank account regularly
If it’s not being filled, what will go where your soul once resided?

Quote of the Week

“No question today we played on the road throughout a lot of it. It was probably half and half our fans to their fans.”
— Tony Romo, on the crowd at AT&T Stadium

The Cowboys have not won a championship in 19 years.

The Cowboys have won only one playoff game in the last 19 years.

The Cowboys have not made the postseason in five years.

The Cowboys have not finished a season with a winning record in five years.

The Cowboys are run by a greedy, power-hungry old man who lacks any shred of humility or self-awareness.

The Cowboys’ most high-profile player has a track record of falling apart late in close games.

And now the Cowboys are unable to even fill their stadium with their own fans, to the point that the Cowboys have to use a silent snap count at home.

In conclusion, this simple reminder: if you continue to refer to the Cowboys as “America’s Team,” you hate America.

Stat of the Week

500

Peyton Manning threw the 500th touchdown pass of his career on Sunday (and 501st, 502nd and 503rd), becoming just the second player in NFL history to achieve the feat, after only Micro Touch’s Brett Favre.

To give some perspective on Manning’s 500 TDs, that’s more than the total of career touchdowns of the next 25 offensive skill positions players selected after Manning in the 1998 draft combined.

Those players? Ryan Leaf, Curtis Enis, Fred Taylor, Kevin Dyson, Robert Edwards, Randy Moss, John Avery, Marcus Nash, Jerome Pathon, Jacquez Green, Robert Holcombe, Cam Cleeland, Pat Johnson, Stephen Alexander, Germane Crowell, Tony Simmons, Rod Rutledge, Joe Jurevicius, Mikhael Rice, Charlie Batch, Jon Ritchie, Skip Hicks, Brian Alford, E.G. Green and Jammi German. Yes, all of those are real names, including Pat Johnson.

While Manning’s mark is impressive, let’s not risk giving the HOT TAKE of “Peyton Manning is the best player in the 1998 NFL Draft!!!” until all the evidence is in. Several of the players on that list are younger than Manning — including Ryan Leaf — and could still pass him. Let’s let history decide.

This Week’s Horrible Fantasy Team That Crushed Your Team

Austin Davis, QB, Rams — 29-for-49, 375 yards, 3TD, 30 rushing yards

Branden Oliver, RB, Chargers — 182 total yards, 2 TD

Pierre Thomas, RB, Saints — 112 total yards, 2 TD

Brian Quick, WR, Rams — 5 catches, 87 yards, 2 TD

Golden Tate, WR, Lions — 7 catches, 134 yards, TD

Tim Wright, TE, Patriots — 5 catches, 85 yards, TD

Press Conference Questions Someone Should Have Asked

Doug Marrone: “When you saw Jim Schwartz picked up and carried away, did you assume, or even hope, that he was going to be thrown into a dumpster?”

Andy Reid: “Have you considered asking for coaching advice from the great Ned Yost?”

Rex Ryan: “What point are you trying to make by going your entire coaching career without using an NFL quarterback?”

Reader Twitter Question of the Week

Yes. And this isn’t just the typical piling-on of Brady Hoke.

Consider this: Alex Henery was first-team All-America in 2010 at Nebraska and was selected in the fourth round of the NFL Draft. He then set the NFL rookie record for field goal accuracy. Fast-forward to this year: Henery was released by the Eagles, and is now losing games for the Lions.

What changed from 2010 until now?

In 2011, Nebraska joined the Big Ten. Also in 2011, Brady Hoke took over at Michigan and began taking the Big Ten to the bottom of the college football world. Confidence is paramount to a kicker. Henery likely now doubts the quality of his college football background. Ergo, Brady Hoke destroyed Alex Henery. Makes perfect sense. Pass it on.

Oh, one more thing … Jim Caldwell’s career college coaching record: 26–63. Brady Hoke’s: 75–67. Brady Hoke for the Lions job!

10 Things I Thought I Could I Thought I Could I Thought I Could Think

1. One brother is a long-haired buffoon. The other is a tattooed weirdo with a foot fetish. They’re both unemployed and living with their parents. It’s “The Ryan Brothers.” Coming in 2015 on FOX.

2. Speaking of Henery, behold this most amazing article written way back on October 1, Year of Our Lord 2014:

ALLEN PARK — The Detroit Lions now have something they seemed to lack the past couple weeks.

Confidence in their kicking game.

New guy Alex Henery nailed a 51-yarder in his debut last week against the New York Jets. It was the Lions’ first conversion of the season from longer than 30 yards.

“We really have a lot of confidence in him,” coach Jim Caldwell said this week.
“I think he’s one of those guys that is going to play well for us. I really do anticipate that he’s going to get on a roll.”

Henery is most definitely on a roll, Jim Caldwell, but your operating system needs to be upgraded to recognize the difference between positive and negative trends.

3. Matt Ryan has lost nine consecutive games played outdoors. Big deal. That sounds to me like a cherry-picked stat to try to make someone sound NOT ELITE. It’s not like every football game is played outdoors. Tom Izzo lost his last basketball game played outside. Is he a bad basketball coach? Sidney Crosby has lost his last two outdoor games. Is he terrible at hockey? The 2–3 Falcons only have four more outdoor games this year and then, if they somehow make the playoffs, probably all of their playoff games and the Super Bowl will be outdoors. Nothing to worry about.

4. Fear not, Cowboys haters of America/true patriots: the 4–1 Cowboys are exactly what you want. Dallas had become such a disaster in recent seasons that even Jerry Jones was starting to feel the pressure to make some changes. If the Cowboys had opened with a few losses on the way to another horrible season, there was a risk someone semi-competent could have been brought in to run the football side of things. But here we are through five weeks of the season and the Cowboys have the best record in the NFL. Even if they lose out, Jones will see this 4–1 stretch as validation of his greatness. He’s not going anywhere now. The Cowboys are stuck with him. And it’s outstanding.

5. Possible thoughts going through Jim Schwartz’s head while being carried off the field after beating the Lions:

• “My ingenious defensive schemes forced Alex Henery to miss kick after kick after kick!”
• “My team has now accomplished something that happened to the Lions just 51 times in my five years there!”
• “The Lions are losers and still haven’t bounced back from the horrible state in which I left the franchise. IN THEIR FACE!”

6. It’s been easy to criticize Jim Schwartz over the years, because he has accomplished absolutely nothing in the NFL. But maybe he’s smarter than we think. By asking his players to lift him up on their shoulders, he did take the NFL’s most punchable face out of range of punches. Pretty smart for a dumb guy.

7. I hate to be Tebow Guy and foolishly overrate the American hero’s abilities as an NFL quarterback, but it has to be mentioned: Kyle Orton, who lost his job fair and square to Tebow in Denver, is quarterback of the first-place Buffalo Bills; Rex Ryan, who pretty much refused to put Tebow on the field two years ago, remains without a viable option at quarterback; and Jacksonville, Ground Zero of Tebowphilia, appears to have shaved Blaine Gabbert’s head and given him an absurdly fictional name for reasons unknown. My point is this: There are a lot of bad quarterbacks in the NFL. Why can’t Tim Tebow be one?

8. LeSean McCoy, Adrian Peterson and Tom Brady have essentially been worthless in fantasy football this year. Calvin Johnson hasn’t been much better. It’s gotten to the point that being good at fantasy football should embarrass you because you clearly entered your draft knowing absolutely zip about football. Right? Right, guys? My terrible fantasy football team means I’m smart, right? Yes? It has to mean that, okay. I need this. I’m the Jim Schwartz of fantasy football: my repeated failures only grow my ego.

9. The Bengals really ran into a buzzsaw against the Patriots. But more important, as it impacts public safety: where did the common term “ran into a buzzsaw” come from? I’m not in the wood-working or construction industry, but if people running into buzzsaws happens so often it becomes a saying, you might want to reevaluate your safety protocols and procedures.

WELCOME TO JONES CONSTRUCTION: IT’S BEEN [4] DAYS SINCE ANYONE RAN INTO A BUZZSAW

10. Remember to buy pink NFL merchandise this month — such as this $269 Anastasio Modal NFL Breast Cancer Awareness laptop bag or a wide variety of pink Ravens stuff! — so a very small portion of your money can go to the American Cancer Society. Or you can just give directly to the American Cancer Society here and not have to worry about Roger Goodell and the NFL getting a cut with their pink-stained hands. Either way, remember that there’s simply no wrong way to give to charity (except for the obvious wrong way in this instance).

How They Spent Their Bye Week …

Raiders: Admitting that only blind people would like their stadium.

Dolphins: Doing what most of their fans do every Sunday.