These are the Power(less) Rankings, a bizarro list of the absolute worst of the worst in the NFL. Here, the lower you are ranked, the better you are.

1. OAKLAND RAIDERS (0–4)

LAST WEEK: 1

The Raiders were on their bye this week, but if you thought that might force them to relinquish the top spot in these rankings, you would be dead wrong. At this point, it is going to take something of biblical proportions to make Oakland fall (read: rise) at all in these rankings. In reality, each and every moment this team steps on the field is yet another opportunity to show how the game of football can go so horribly wrong. Even interim head coach Tony Sparano is burying footballs so the team can’t find them.

2. TENNESSEE TITANS (1–4)

LAST WEEK: 3

Despite the Raiders’ continued dominance, the Titans really want some consideration for the top spot. And they’ll get it. Not only did Tennessee blow a 28–3 lead at home, but it was to the Cleveland Browns. That’s like allowing a dead person to beat you in a fistfight. The Browns now hold the record for the biggest road comeback in NFL history, so I’m not quite sure why the Titans are still allowed to exist. Probably a league oversight, I guess. None of this should really come as much of a surprise, though. This is a team that continues to allow Shonn Greene to steal carries away from rookie Bishop Sankey, who is, you know, good.

3. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (0–5)

LAST WEEK: 2

The Jaguars lost 17–9 on Sunday, and that craptastic score pretty much tells the story of just how craptastic this team is. Alas, the franchise mascot, Jaxson de Ville, heroically took it upon himself to deflect attention from his team’s misery by prancing around the stadium with a sign that read “TOWELS CARRY EBOLA” while carrying a Terrible Towel. The misguided mascot caught plenty of flak for his mistake, but it’s worth noting that it takes a serious subject like Ebola to distract from how awful the Jags are.

4. ST. LOUIS RAMS (1–3)

LAST WEEK: 4

Austin Davis threw for 375 yards and three scores in a loss to the Eagles Sunday, just a game after throwing for 327 yards and three more touchdowns against the Cowboys. Davis’ success only proves that we all continue to know nothing about the NFL and should stop pretending like we do. Is it fair to ask if the Rams have wide receivers or should I keep wondering if Davis is throwing the ball so high that he’s able to catch it himself?

5. NEW YORK JETS (1–4)

LAST WEEK: 6

The Jets are now in full-on implosion mode, which is glorious and should only get better from here. Though I’m not sure how it can get any better than Geno Smith being unable to figure out the time change while seeing a movie and missing a team meeting because of it. Sure, the Jets lost, but the big unanswered question is what movie did he see? My money is on Denzel Washington’s “The Equalizer,” because Denzel is a bad, bad man.

6. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (1–4)

LAST WEEK: 5

In true terrible team fashion, the Buccaneers took way too long to finally realize that Mike Glennon is a pretty good quarterback — they should have just stuck with him in the first place. Now, Tampa Bay is most certainly going to lose some more games, but it’ll do so with its dignity intact. They might even steal a couple more wins before setting sail for the top of the 2015 draft. Speaking of dignity, is that Warren Sapp making an appearance in a recent Bud Light commercial dressed as a pirate?

7. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2–3)

LAST WEEK: 8

You have to respect the NFL’s ability to deny reality. In its latest example of ignorant bliss, the league refuses to recognize that its Thursday night games are vomit-inducing crime scenes that shouldn’t be allowed to exist. The Vikings were the latest Thursday victim — sadly forced to use Christian Ponder as their quarterback with Teddy Bridgewater unable to come back from an injured ankle on short rest. Bridgewater surely knew he was in for the beatdown of a lifetime, and no one would blame him for wanting to sit this one out and let Ponder embarrass himself instead.

8. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (1–4)

LAST WEEK: 10

Yeah, Washington put up a fight against the defending Super Bowl champions Monday night. Which is a pretty good thing to hang your hat on, until you realize that the Seahawks did everything they could to lose that game and still wound up with a 10-point win, like a dumb-as-rocks jock who still snags all the prime ladies. Meanwhile, Washington is left as the desperate virgin, alone at home on a Saturday night with nothing to do but watch anime. This is what happens when you trade a billion draft picks for one player (and that player regresses and gets hurt frequently).

9. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (2–3)

LAST WEEK: 7

The Saints won at home, where they are pretty much an eternal lock. However, New Orleans needed to go to overtime to vanquish one of the NFL’s worst teams in Tampa Bay. Drew Brees threw two touchdowns and three interceptions, but Pierre Thomas had a big day with two scores. If you’re betting on the Saints’ games at all this season, you’re a maniac and probably terrifying to be around. Or you’re just checking their home/away designation.

10. MIAMI DOLPHINS (2–2)

LAST WEEK: 9

I’m sad that the Dolphins were on a bye Sunday, because that means there were zero opportunities to watch Joe Philbin implode and name the Hamburglar the starting quarterback or something. But that will happen in due time. And Miami wasn’t without any problems during the bye week, as soon-to-be-former defensive lineman Derrick Shelby spent his break groping women and taking an “aggressive fighting stance” against police. It only took three uses of a stun gun to bring him down. Whatever. A Patriots player would never go down until at least five stun guns were discharged at the same time.

11. CAROLINA PANTHERS (3–2)

LAST WEEK: 11

Do you have any discernible athletic talent? None at all? That’s okay — the Panthers could probably use you at running back! If you’re not busy or anything, maybe you could try calling their offices. At the very least, you’ll probably still get a free jersey and some swag. Despite their open calls for backs at local YMCAs, the Panthers were able to come from behind and beat the Bears at home.

12. CLEVELAND BROWNS (2–2)

LAST WEEK: 12

You know, all the hot naked girls in the world won’t make you feel any better when you’re not the starting quarterback of your team — probably. Johnny Manziel continues to be forced to think about his party plans on the sidelines while hometown guy Brian Hoyer leads the Browns out of obscurity. Like a group of mole people emerging from underground, shielding their eyes from the blinding sun, the Browns are finally making a move to officially become a functioning NFL team. It only took 15 years!

13. ATLANTA FALCONS (2–3)

LAST WEEK: 15

It’s okay to say the Falcons stink, right? Steven Jackson is plodding along these days like an 18-wheeler whose tires blew and is simply grinding its rims on the pavement. The defense is atrocious and Julio Jones can’t make 25 catches a game (though that theory should probably get tested). Much like the Saints, the Falcons are a completely different team on the road. That is, a terrible one. Also, here is Matt Ryan in a bra, which doesn’t explain anything about the Falcons’ current struggles. You just need to know it exists.

14. NEW YORK GIANTS (3–2)

LAST WEEK: 13

The Eli Manning Express rolls along! I’m enjoying watching the Giants’ offense play well, especially since it’s fun to watch a team spit in the face of those who called it dead after one or two games. Instead, New York is out here putting up at least 30 points a game like they’re the Greatest Show on Jersey Turf. Of course, you probably inserted tight end Larry Donnell into your fantasy lineup after his three-touchdown night against Washington last week. Donnell even learned his lesson and finally put himself in his lineup, but was immediately punished by putting up a big goose egg.

15. BUFFALO BILLS (3–2)

LAST WEEK: 14

Future generations will speak of Kyle Orton. Books will be written and inspirational biopics will be made to try and shed some light on this enigmatic football nymph, floating through nearly every organization in the NFL. His latest act is leading the Bills to a win on the road after the team benched its starting quarterback. What in the world will he do next? Probably throw some interceptions, lose a couple clunkers. I can’t wait!

16. HOUSTON TEXANS (3–2)

LAST WEEK: 17

It’s weird, because the Texans feel like a hopeless team. Yet, they put up a good fight against the Cowboys on Sunday and nearly came away with a victory. Their next game is Thursday against the Colts, though, and NFL rules dictate that one team in the Thursday game must be obliterated beyond all recognition. Something tells me that’s not going to be Indianapolis.

17. GREEN BAY PACKERS (3–2)

LAST WEEK: 16

Nothing cures what ails you more than playing the Minnesota Vikings when they are helmed by Christian Ponder. Like the infamous “slumpbuster” in baseball, the Packers are really feeling like themselves again after getting the opportunity to pound the Vikings at Lambeau. Green Bay is another team with a porous defense, but apparently a defense is not a thing you need these days. Nope, not at all.

18. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (2–3)

LAST WEEK: 19

To be fair, the Chiefs were on the road against what is still a pretty decent 49ers team. You just can’t give Phil Dawson five field goal attempts, because he’s going to look you right in the eye and nail them all no matter where they are on the field. Kick from the upper deck? It’s good. Kick while wearing Jim Harbaugh’s flowing dad pants? No problem. Before it’s all said and done, mark my words: the ageless Dawson will be the first person to do any sort of football-in-space activity. But even in a tough loss, Travis Kelce was able to bust out quite possibly the best on-field Ric Flair strut we’ve ever seen.

19. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (3–2)

LAST WEEK: 18

The Steelers beat the Jaguars, but only scored 17 points and the game was very much in doubt in the fourth quarter. That’s pretty much a loss, so I’m going to treat it as such. What can even be taken from this? Oh, Antonio Brown had 84 yards. Cool. Le’Veon Bell had 82 yards of his own. Nice, I guess. Actually losing two in a row to the Buccaneers and Jaguars would have been devastating and beautiful, so it’s a shame we weren’t treated to that. But one of these days, the Jaguars will win a game and the team it beats is going to feel immense shame.

20. CHICAGO BEARS (2–3)

LAST WEEK: 23

Okay, so the Bears can’t win at home this season. That’s a concern, but at least they’re winning on the road. Oh, so now they can’t really do that, either? Chicago is probably an 8–8 team waiting to happen, but they’ll always make things interesting, especially when Jay Cutler eventually takes the field with a cigarette in his mouth.

21. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (3–2)

LAST WEEK: 22

Sure, San Francisco won again on Sunday, and sure, the 49ers beat a really competitive Chiefs team. And sure, Phil Dawson is a wonderfully bald magician with his feet. But it just doesn’t feel like these 49ers have the same bite, like a dog just living out the rest of its days on the porch, not getting up for anyone or anything.

22. BALTIMORE RAVENS (3–2)

LAST WEEK: 27

It’s always a sad week when Steve Smith isn’t spilling blood and guts on the field. What’s an NFL game without its appropriate amount of blood-and-gut spillage? I’ve just gotten so used to watching Smith go out there and maim his enemies, spilling their entrails and jumping rope with them. Instead, he was held in check, with five catches for 34 yards. Maybe he was concerned that the Panthers didn’t mow his lawn like he told them to.

23. ARIZONA CARDINALS (3–1)

LAST WEEK: 28

It just wouldn’t be a true Cardinals season without the third-string QB making an appearance at some point. With Logan Thomas taking over for a concussed Drew Stanton during the second half, Arizona was easily dispatched in Denver. Andre Ellington tried to put the Cardinals on his back, though, gaining 144 total yards and two touchdowns. He might want to get used to that feeling.

24. CINCINNATI BENGALS (3–1)

LAST WEEK: 32

It’s okay, Cincinnati. Everyone gets obliterated by an angry Patriots team at some point. It just so happens that Sunday night was your turn. It wouldn’t have mattered if you trotted out the NFL’s All-Century Team; Bill Belichick and Tom Brady would have planned to perfectly contain you and embarrass you on national television. The Bengals are still really good, but the stigma of being unable to win big games won’t go away until they, well, win a big game.

25. DETROIT LIONS (3–2)

LAST WEEK: 26

The Lions were beaten at home by the Bills and Kyle Orton. Even without Calvin Johnson, the Lions are supposed to be a much, much better team than Buffalo right now. People will want to call this leaguewide parity, citing the “Any given Sunday” mantra. But this was just a crap football game with a team playing down to its opponent. That’s a theme kind of running rampant in the NFL this year, isn’t it? Nevertheless, the Lions should still be feared, and they likely would have blown the doors off the Bills if Johnson had been healthy.

26. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3–2)

LAST WEEK: 20

The Colts are probably going to be able to moonwalk and strut right into the AFC South crown this season without breaking much of a sweat. Who knows, they could go winless the rest of the year and probably still be in the running for it. Andrew Luck continues to cement himself as one of the NFL’s best, even though his player profile picture looks like he’s painfully trying to smile through the worst joke he’s ever been told. He’s already thrown for more than 300 yards four times this season.

27. DALLAS COWBOYS (4–1)

LAST WEEK: 21

It’s true, the NFL is way more fun when the Cowboys are good, or at least pretending to be for a while. It makes Jerry Jones and Cowboys fans insufferable and fun to watch, while those who hate the Cowboys will ramble to you endlessly about hating them, but not with any concrete or plausible reasons. All I know is my Thanksgiving is going to be good. This year, I’ll be sure to eat so much I immediately pass out AFTER the Cowboys game.

28. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (3–2)

LAST WEEK: 25

How do you feel about thinkpieces regarding “The Patriot Way” and the collective genius of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady? Well, prepare yourself either way because columnists around the country are dusting off that narrative for your reading pleasure this week! What the Patriots are able to do — especially following a loss — is pretty amazing, though, and I’d do anything to fund a study that would allow Brady and Belichick to stop aging and be in my NFL forever.

29. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (4–1)

LAST WEEK: 24

The Eagles scored on special teams and defense once again and, despite nearly giving the game away to the Rams Sunday, still come away sitting pretty in the division. LeSean McCoy didn’t do much to satisfy the growing horde of angry fantasy football nerds, though, as he gained just 81 yards on 24 carries. Will there ever come a day when players will be forced to man up and apologize to their fantasy owners for mediocre performances? Off-field arrests are excusable, but when you can’t score three times a game, that’s where I draw the line.

30. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (4–1)

LAST WEEK: 29

It’s almost sad watching the Chargers play so well right now. How many times have they done this before? A billion? They could go 15–1 and it’ll all come crashing down in January. Maybe Philip Rivers offended a gypsy woman in a previous life. But for now, things are looking great in San Diego and Rivers is an MVP candidate. It’s too bad that if he wins it, the Chargers’ postseason destruction will likely only be worse.

31. DENVER BRONCOS (3–1)

LAST WEEK: 30

Peyton Manning threw his 5,000,000th TD on Sunday, and was rightfully praised for being a gift from the gods. And as their gift to Manning, the Cardinals’ defense allowed him to rip them apart without mercy — Manning would finish with 479 yards and four touchdowns. Wide receiver Demaryius Thomas joined in on the fun with 226 yards and two touchdowns. If you were a receiver on a Peyton Manning team, how many yards do you think you’d have in a year? At least 800, right?

32. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (3–1)

LAST WEEK: 31

Like a cat playing with a mouse before it ends its life, the Seahawks were pretty much on cruise control for most of Monday night’s win over Washington. Russell Wilson ran all over the place, gaining 122 yards on the ground, probably as the result of some pregame bet. That’s about as serious as Washington should be taken these days, anyway. The Seahawks have assumed their rightful place in the basement of these rankings, and probably won’t relinquish it until they play the Raiders, because we like anarchy around here.