Football players rarely meet the unusual fashion sensibilities of their needle-moving NBA counterparts, but from time to time they do make fashionable statements of their own.

Their post-game ensembles can be memorable, confusing, or tragically misguided, but it’s almost always the franchise quarterback leading the charge. And much like anything else, many of them are improving with time.

To kick things off this week, let’s just rip off the band-aid and get the bad news out of the way first. Trust me, it’s pretty terrible.

Unfortunate Bye Week

Just Joe Flacco and his ever-present charisma. We missed you, man.

Kyle Orton

Who is in charge of combing Kyle Orton’s hair? Does he carry a classic Ace comb in his back pocket that he got from a recent visit to the barber? Does he even comb it? The real question, I suppose — is Kyle trying to look like this? Every week it’s like that one yearbook picture that your friends will never, ever let you forget about.

Ryan Tannehill

Ryan Tannehill’s scene-stealing shirt cuffs will one day be repurposed as gorgeous bedside table lampshades. Could actually see Ryan hosting a home improvement show on HGTV after his playing days are over. However, based on his unnerved expression, the Dolphins QB appears to be fully aware that he’s been upstaged by his own shirt.

RGIII

Showing up to the podium after a dreadful 27–7 loss, dressed like you’re about to embark on a hunting expedition with Elmer Fudd and Bobby Bacala is not doing anyone any favors. (Well, except for this post. So thanks, Bob.)

Speaking of favors, It was awfully kind of RGIII to throw everyone under the bus after getting out-dueled by Josh McCown.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in that locker room this week.

IMPORTANT UPDATE

The resemblance is uncanny. But if Robert, Elmer, and Bacala still want to go hunting — and hell, even Eddie too — that’s more than fine.

Jay Cutler

The Bears beat the Vikings 21–13. But you know what’s more important? Jay Cutler would’ve held the same “whatever, dude” expression had the numbers been reversed. He is the best. And he’s growing a mustache — presumably for Movember — but it would be so much more fitting if Jay was just randomly growing a mustache. Because Cutler.

Philip Rivers

Philip Rivers has given up on bolo ties and clothes in general. He is now the NFL’s version of Sea Bass, also known as hockey great Cam Neely.

Ryan Mallet

Ryan Mallet became the first insurance salesman to throw for 211 yards and two touchdowns in an NFL game. A sincere congratulations to State Farm agent of the month, Mr. Ryan Mallet.

Teddy Bridgewater

Teddy Bridgewater’s personal assistant did some serious homework this week. It’s like we’re seeing a different person. He even touched up his hair. Someone definitely told Bridgewater he must dress like a franchise quarterback and not little Teddy from down the street.

Although, to be fair, this version of Teddy is pretty darn endearing.

Colin Kaepernick

It’s a very annoying, overdone cliche, but winning really does cure everything. I mean, look at this guy. A stylish jacket to go with an even brighter smile than that joyful little kid in Carolina who was handed a football yesterday.

For reference, here’s Sad Colin last week:

Dude, you gotta relax.

Russell Wilson

Tom Brady is in serious trouble as the NFL’s leading fashion icon. Just look at Wilson’s “yeah, you know whats up” smirk. It’s almost as if he’s baiting Mr. Bundchen to throw his remote at the TV at the mere sight of a Burberry scarf.

Tom Brady

OK, maybe not.

“Hi, I’m Tom Brady. My socks cost more than your car. At the present moment, I am making your wife very, very weak in the knees just by standing here and smirking. Pretty amazing, right? OK. Now I’ll take some questions, boys.”

Mark Sanchez

This is exactly how you’re supposed to look after a 53–20 loss to the Packers — one that saw you throw two picks and lose two fumbles. Sanchez was so damn selfless and generous yesterday, he should’ve showed up to the podium in an Aaron Rodgers jersey. Good to see the confidence is still there, though, Mark.

Brian Hoyer

Brian Hoyer decided to dress up for his postgame presser — presumably to make up for the Browns looking like hot garbage in a 23–7 loss at home to the Texans. I’m positive it worked with the ladies. To be fair, Cleveland has been a fashion hotbed for years.

And yes, I believe we may have finally located Kyle Orton’s barber.

Alex Smith

This is the face of a man who just beat the Seahawks — but this is the shirt of a man about to go moose hunting. Can’t win ‘em all, Alex.

Matthew Stafford

Matthew Stafford, improving his podium appearance and demeanor with each passing week. Very impressive. Unfortunately, that won’t stop the pitchforks — Matty’s 18–of-30 for 183 yards caused several Motor City conniption fits and some glorious Twitter meltdowns. Best of luck this week, Matty.

Andrew Luck

Since you read this entire post, you know what you can have instead of Andrew Luck at the podium looking disheveled? This soul-burning GIF. Enjoy the enjoyment.