QB Postgame Fashion: The Good, The Bad, And The Kyle Orton Farewell
So long, sweet prince.
NFL players are hardly ever expected to meet the inventive fashion sensibilities of their vibrant, needle-moving NBA counterparts, but the 2014 season has proved to surprise and inspire, and frequently force us to point and laugh like Nelson Muntz.
As usual, Patriots fashionista Tom Brady sits comfortably atop Mount Fashion — most of the time — haughtily laughing at his inferior counterparts. But the final week of the regular season belonged to Kyle Orton, a beloved presence in this weekly feature who sadly announced his retirement today.
Kyle will be missed dearly. Mostly for his oozing charisma and that divine used car salesman mustache he was sporting earlier in the season.
Kyle Orton
So, who else to start with but the man of the moment? As mentioned, Orton has announced his retirement, so for now — at least until some desperate team inevitably dials him up next year — this is it for the Bills’ QB and his radiating presence. If you ask me, it’s the perfect, hazy finish. We’re gonna miss you, buddy.
Now please, Kyle, wave goodbye to everyone as only you can.
Charlie Whitehurst
When you least expect it, Charlie Whitehurst is going to swing in on a chandelier and steal your wife or girlfriend. And she probably won’t even mind. You got a problem with that?
While it is tempting to mock Charlie’s denim shirt, he doesn’t appear to be in the mood for any bullshit.
Andrew Luck
Andrew Luck delicately held an invisible baby at this week’s presser. A nice change of pace considering he wears the same shirt and beard every week. But remember, folks, Luck’s not here for the fashion, he’s here because he looks insane.
Philip Rivers
The Philip fish face/DeNiro/Silvio impression has officially replaced the bolo tie as the go to podium move for Philip. It’s been there all season long. And, no, I’m not complaining.
A signature moment for sure.
Some Dude
In the hopes that someone out there eventually figures out who this guy is, please email us, fax us, or sky-write us. Do whatever it takes.
Tom Brady
What a disappointing finish for Tom Brady. At least from a fashion standpoint. A dull “dad jacket” coupled with hair struggles was a strange departure from what’s usually a commanding podium presence, and it comes at the worst time. A loss of hair confidence could prove to be the stunning postseason back-breaker for Thomas and the Pats.
Chase Daniel
This is the look of a man in the midst of seriously questioning his sweater choice. He certainly has legitimate reason to be concerned.
Geno Smith
Hat pulled down low and looking down. This is a tell-tale sign of a man not happy to be a member of the New York Jets. I mean, can you blame the guy? I feel like someone should be singing the always uplifting “Get Well Soon” song to him.
Ryan Tannehill
Ryan Tannehill deserves some kind of award for keeping a straight face during his entire press conference with that enormous microphone all up in his face. We can only assume it was Triumph the Insult Comic Dog trying to break him.
On a separate note, it will forever remain a mystery as to why Joe Philbin never landed a role as a corpse on Six Feet Under. Or perhaps a zombie on the Walking Dead.
Eli Manning
Eli Manning dressed down for the first time in history and wore a fleece! He remains a healthy 103 on the “perpetually awkward and goofy” scale.
Jay Cutler
A fine-looking suit to go along with a signature Cutler expression that says “Season’s over, man, whaddya want?”
Now that it’s all over, though, what I find most heartbreaking is that — over the course of 16 post-game press conferences — Jay never opted for the suit bag look. We have all been robbed of an instant classic, but we’ll always this:
Nick Foles
Nick Foles is basically Napoleon Dynamite with crappier clothes.
Johnny Manziel
If someone were to ask for your thoughts on Johnny Manziel’s chances as a true impact player, this would more than likely be your facial expression. Opting for the camo Browns jacket over all those nice shirts in his locker sums up his decision-making rather nicely.
Tony Romo
Tony Romo in a witness protection hat. Quality choice, man.
Aaron Rodgers
Aaron Rodgers always keeps it pretty simple, and that’s as enjoyable as it is a rarity in professional sports. However, No. 12 wearing a cardigan sweater basically equates to a flashy tuxedo or one of Ric Flair’s extravagant robes in the state of Wisconsin. So while I’m forced to dole out major downvotes for the exposed t-shirt underneath the button-down, it’s hard to fault the guy. It’s very easy not to give a shit about how you look in Wisconsin.
Robert Griffin III
A massive improvement over last week’s Puffy Shirt” debacle, but stop picking your nose, Bob. It’s a bad habit.
Joe Flacco
It’s a pretty safe guess that Joe Flacco drove home in his uniform and more than likely slept in it. And eaaaaaaaasy there, Joe, they’re just reporters.
Cam Newton
Cam Newton’s press conferences are harder to find than others, so why not relive this risque look? An unmitigated disaster, to say the least.
Matthew Stafford
Matthew Stafford is looking pretty damn sharp here. And I’ve got to be honest, the Lions quarterback has come a long, long way at the podium this season. He has clearly made the pledge — with the wrong hand, of course — and for that, I am proud of him.
Colin Kaepernick
There’s plenty to complain about when it comes to overthrowing receivers and reading defenses like Ralph Wiggum, but Colin Kaepernick has style. More importantly, it’s his own style. Enough said.
Russell Wilson
It’s either a Seattle Seahawks uniform or an all black suit when it comes to Russell Wilson. As we have all witnessed, there is absolutely no wiggle room here. None.
Andy Dalton
Andy Dalton appears to be fading backward here, making for a beautiful piece of symbolism considering the month of January is just days away. ‘Tis the season to fall flat on your ass, Big Red. However, I do like the jacket.
Ben Roethlisberger
It was a special week for Ben Roethlisberger and his insistence on bedazzling himself with microphones, as this time there was one actually affixed to his chin. Sure, it’s a little out there, but so is Big Ben. Good fit.
Previous Installments of QB Fashion
