The Power Of The Secret — And Not-So-Secret — Handshake
In sports, entertainment, and love.
At my day job I’m often tasked with facilitating icebreakers for student groups visiting the office. Usually the traditional exercises — alliterative name games (“Jumping Jared!”), zip zap zop, etc. — get the students going. But one particular morning with a cohort of middle schoolers, it just wasn’t happening.
Each student seemed disinterested, distracted, or almost too self-conscious to function. They slouched their shoulders, stared off into space, examined their cuticles, responded almost inaudibly — it was basically a tableau of stereotypical adolescent behavior. With my confidence and patience waning, I felt stumped.
“You know what?” I finally said, in a sentence that started as resignation and ended in epiphany. “Take three minutes and make up a secret handshake. Then we’ll perform them for the group.”
The kids stared at me in silence.
“Three minutes starts now. Go!”
Without further hesitation, the students launched into a frenzy of excited chatter of paired-off creativity and collaboration.
“Do you need more time?” I asked a few minutes later. “Ok, take one more minute.”
Most couples finished running through a final dress rehearsal of their handshake. A few groups, still caught in the whirlwind of frantic excitement, adorned their routine with a final flourish.
“Ok, who wants to go first?”
A dozen hands shot up.
Their shyness and inhibition vanished, replaced by ingenuity and showmanship. Each pair performed its handshake with unique style and intricacies. They high-fived and low-fived and fist bumped. They kicked and posed and spun. Some groups incorporated elements of the latest dance crazes (dab, whip, nae nae) while others paid homage to previous generations (backstroke, swing dance, kid ‘n play). I saw students mime climbing a ladder, drive each other in an imaginary car, swim at each other like sharks.
If there were any dissidents or germophobes in the group, they certainly masked their reluctance and disgust with exuberance and laughter. After each group finished, the entire room applauded.
Stephen Garnett, an assistant men’s basketball coach at Whitman College, has a custom handshake for every player on his team, past and present. Every now and then, a video of Garnett’s handshakes goes viral.
The secret handshake has achieved prominence — near ubiquity — across sports and even continents. Take, for example, the Pittsburgh Pirates or Odell Beckham and the New York Giants or this Dutch rugby team, whose handshakes are so epic that even their opponent can’t help but applaud. In the NBA, the Cleveland Cavs have emerged as the team with the best — most complex, most outlandish — handshakes in the league.
Today’s sports handshakes are more performative than ever, a dramatic departure from the “professional” handshake’s tradition of corporate rigidity, white authority, and strictly enforced social norms. The handshake has traveled from the boardroom into the locker room and now, (literally) handed over to fans, onto the sidewalks and playgrounds. Today’s athletes and youngsters see your traditional handshake and raise you one. They’ve remixed it. Made it better. Made it cool. Made it theirs.
These handshakes aren’t just about style or bravado; they’re powerful rituals of togetherness and teamwork. Any athlete knows the importance of the intangibles: team chemistry and camaraderie and shared ritual. A handshake, like a designed play, requires creativity, timing, and practice.
It’s also significant that players perform these handshakes *before* games, regardless of opponent or outcome. A handshake is consistent and unconditional, just like teamwork is supposed to be.
Unlike a congratulatory high-five or chest bump or dance, the handshake isn’t predicated on winning. But it may influence it: Last year, the Cavs gave Cleveland its first sports title in 52 years. And this year, Coach Garnett’s team is off to a 16–0 start.
The secret handshake is also a common trope onscreen. In The Parent Trap (1998), both Annie and Hallie (both played by Lindsay Lohan) dap it up with the butler, Martin. In an episode of Broad City, Abby shocks Ilana with her expertly choreographed routines with staffers at Bed Bath & Beyond.
And then there’s the predictably adorable and nerdy routine from Leslie and Ben in Parks and Rec. “Get a room,” says Aziz Ansari as Tom. It’s a joke, but there is something intimate about a handshake within a romantic relationship.
I’m not sure how the handshake started with Sunny, my girlfriend, but it's inspired by various sports, along with our own improvised silliness. We start with two quick high fives, a forearm crowbar lock, and a jumping, half-turned shoulder bump.
Then things go off the rails with some personal embellishments: consecutive trust falls. A little lean with a hip pop and our tongues out. And finally, an exaggerated and ostentatious bowing gesture.
We perform our handshake all the time, sometimes in public, but mostly alone, strictly for our private amusement or to celebrate a little shared victory: when our homemade smoothie bowls are actually edible or when one of us lands a good pun.
In a society where touch, especially between a man and a woman, is so often valenced as sexual, it’s refreshing and important to share physical interactions that are collaborative, communicative, and decidedly not prurient. Sure, we’re sexual partners, but our handshake recognizes our relationship as teammates, as friends.
When Sunny and I do our handshake, it seems mundane, but it always feels special, it always feels really good. Except the time she punched me in the face. Accidentally. I think.
Dig what you read? If you feel compelled, please hit the green “recommend” heart and/or join the conversation by responding below. Either way, thank you!
Do you have a secret handshakes, and with whom? How did that handshake start and what does it mean to you?
What are you favorite handshakes in sports and entertainment? (Ooh! Go ahead and include a link or GIF.)
Discuss other kinds of physical touch and the role they play in your relationships and your life.
This is the fifth installment in the Make Believe Boys series, which explores humor, wonder, and nostalgia at the intersection of movies, sports, and personal history. For more Make Believe Boys, read about childhood fantasies, why legends never die, amazing/terrible movies, and Space Jam.
